| "When you live in a nightmare, it's written all over your face..." |
[07 Oct 2004|11:57pm] |
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Jimmy Eat World, "Evil Number One" |
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I've said for a long time now that I would not censor myself here, I would be completely honest.
Well, that hasn't been happening lately.
I feel too much these days that I'm writing this for an audience, and that was never the intent. This was for me, this was *about* me, and, well, I don't feel like I own it anymore. It's gotten so far beyond anything I could ever control, I have to give it up-- both this journal, in the public sense at least, and the "disease."
I made an appointment.
I did it because none of you thought I would.
I'm going on October 15, 1:30pm.
I don't want to, but I'm going to.
And from there, I'm going to take advantage of my 3 free shrinks visits through the U, and then probably sign up for group therapy for $50 per semester, and probably see a nutritionist.
...You guys know how I am about my "plans."
So there's that.
I will admit to this: I am trying to get as thin as possible before I go.
The reason I never wanted to commit and get better is because I didn't feel "done," and because I didn't feel as though there was anything to get "better" from... I'm not thin enough to be sick!
I still don't think I am, and I am scared to death that I will be laughed out of the office.
But... in the end, you know, if I don't do it now I won't do it ever.
I don't want to be married with kids and a job and still trying to starve myself to death.
It was James again, it's no one's business what he said but he has this way of knowing exactly what will smack me upside the head and make me realize.
I love him, and I am so very sorry that I've had to rely on him so much for this.
To think, he wasn't even supposed to know at all.
I've learned a lot, things I never wanted to know.
...Internal pain need not always be physically manifest.
...It usually is.
...It is never a good idea to be vulnerable. Ever.
...But sometimes it's worth it.
...There is truth in every rumor.
...Everything comes out in the end.
...Sometimes "okay" is enough.
...Sometimes it's the exact opposite.
...Augustine is easily misapplied.
...Just because you don't want something, that doesn't mean you don't not want something else even more.
...Calories are the root of all evil.
...Sometimes you just have to walk away.
...This is not, nor will it ever be, "over."
...But still, it must end.
That is not all, but it's all I can say right tonight.
So.
I'm closing this up.
Such an ending.
I have a feeling that what I go through in trying to get better will be even worse, even more intensely painful and private than what I went through in pursuing this.
This is the ultimate vulnerability... and I'm not sharing it with you.
Ask to be friended, I might or might not.
The last thing I will keep updating, from time to time...
Stats:
Age: 19
Height: 5'6.5
HW: 154
LW: 112.5 (October 1, 2004)
CW: 115.5 (October 7, 2004)
STG: 109 by 1:30pm on Friday, October 15, 2004
LTG: "health"
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| Blah to you |
[07 Oct 2004|11:25pm] |
I want a cupcake sooo freakin badly but I must must must be 115 tomorrow or I am entirely off-track. And that will not do, I have deadlines now.
Deadlines, I tell you!
All will be explained in my final public entry, as soon as I get around to it.
Maybe tonight, even.
For now, suffice it to say that I am SO fucking hungry for one of hte cupcakes Megan made, but I ate a buttload of tootsie rolls at work today, and then like 5 miniSnickers when I got home... so no.
I must resist!
I will tell all later.
Almost all.
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| ... |
[03 Oct 2004|09:58am] |
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...And as the scale blinked 114.5, I stood there and cried.
Because despite my best efforts, everything goes wrong in the end.
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| BTW |
[02 Oct 2004|01:50pm] |
I found a way to get that shit for $199 again... with shipping, it comes to $216...
Why am I hesitating, this should be great!!!
Damn me....
I'm going shopping, if the offer isn't still there by Monday, it's not worth it.
People should give me opinions on this, and quickly.
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| wow, so today was humiliating... |
[02 Oct 2004|01:30pm] |
--For two reasons:
1. My mom came over to drop my filing cabinet, which was nice of her, but the very first thing she said to me, the very. first. thing., was "Okay, how much weight have you lost?" "None! I'm still the same!" "You are SKINNY." "I have fat on my legs!! ::grabs fat::"
Unfortunately, I was unable to keep my face entirely straight during this conversation.
Sooo she drops my shit and then, before she leaves, is like "Where's your scale, I'm going to see how much you weight."
......Shit.
Soooo luckily I'd been stuffing my face all morning with Megan's toffee bars (more on that later), and I was wearing clothes-- albeit just a tanktop, shorts, bra, and panties-- so I stepped on and tried to keep as MUCH air in my lungs as possible...
113.5
Gyad.
So that was terrible.
"Lauren I know how much you weigh now. Don't you lose any more, because I"ll be back to weigh you again."
!
2. I am IRATE because I just found out that apparently some people took it upon themselves at some point in the barely-distant past to TELL MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND that I have an eating disorder.
So not only was that NOT their fucking PLACE, but wtf, he didn't even bother to TELL me that someone was SAYING this to him??? What the fuck is up with that?! If someone tells me shit about him, I tell it right back to him, end of story. Because he's my boyfriend, and I'm behind *him* first and foremost. That's how it WORKS, dammit.
I'm peeved.
How long ago did this happen?? What was said?? Is *this* what led to him "finding" this LJ, and if so.... why was it necessary to lie about it? ("I was bored and looking at friends of friends and recognized the name from your Yahoo! Briefcase...")
I hate being vulnerable to people.
This just proves that it is never, ever worth it.
In other news, I binged like a MOFO last night, and was only up to 113 this morning.
I would have been okay if I'd stayed away from the toffee bars and cornbread, but noooo....
Fuck that shit, I was HUNGRY, bitches!
Still, this morning I had more cornbread and TWO toffee bars, and then I went and split this super rich panini and ate maybe 1/3 of a crepe at the farmers' market Chez Vincent on Camelback (Yum!)
I knew I should have thrown up last night, I realllllly wanted to... like, James and I were laying there watching Scrubs, and all of the sudden I realized I felt like I was going to burst.
But I didn't do it.
::shrug::
I'm still contemplating it now.
I do'nt know what to do, I'm so very full and I feel so very sick....
I was going to go to Tucson tonight to see Babcock Dave, but I don't know if I can do it... drinking = calories = fat.
This morning, oddly enough, my stomach and ribs looked THINNER than yesterday, but my thighs had expanded to MASSIVE proportions... bizzarre.
I'm sure I've screwed that up now, with the CHEESE AND TOMATO PANINI that I ate... but yeah.
I wonder, could this just be transferrence? Like... as soon as I thought my thighs were okay, suddenly my stomach was unbearable. As soon as my stomach was fine, my thighs were massive again.
WHAT THE FUCK, WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST BE "OKAY" ALL AT ONCE?!?!
...I had my heart set on going shopping today, for cute new clothes to suit the new, smaller me.
I don't think I can now, I'm massive again.
*Sigh*
I hate you, food.
I'm formulating a plan.
One real meal per day.
Either fruit or half a PB+J to sustain me the rest of the day.
50 cals of cranberry juice each morning.
50 cals of apricots each night.
I think that will work out okay, but I have to be CAREFUL about things like alcohol and desserts/ candy.
That's the shit that kills.
Okay, this is long enough.
I'm going to go bury my head under a pillow until I feel (slightly) less like puking my guts out.
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| god damn it' |
[01 Oct 2004|02:45pm] |
Two things:
1. OMFG I FUCKING MISSED IT!!!
Okay so I always think those "limited time only" on the "sale price" stuff is BS to get people to buy more... well.... I told myself I would wait on ordering the 6 month supply of the complete breast enhancing system (pills + cream + tea) at the "discounted" price of $199 until I got payed this week... but yesterday I decided to hold off and make sure I don't spend a lot this weekend, but when I went to the site just now to check the shipping price it had FUCKING GONE UP to THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!!!
OMFG I want big breasts, but I don't want them almost FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS worth!!!
I am so fucking uber pissed off right now, because all of my hopes of a semi-normally proportioned body rested on that, since I'm clearly too poor for surgery and wouldn't have it anyway.
GOD DAMMIT!!!
>.<
2. I feel so super sick right now.
I mean... I feel good. But sick, too.
Tired.
Shaky.
My heart hurts.
I could barely walk to my classes today, I was just... blah.
Going out to dinner with James tonight, it sounds like.
=)
dammit... fucking breast cream...
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| Brief Update |
[01 Oct 2004|09:45am] |
112.5 this morning
I'm serious, tho, I do NOT feel as supertiny as I did at 114... wtf?!?
Like... my waist is not neeearly as slender, nor do my ribs stick out anywhere near as much... altho I think my collarbones stick out a bit more, but hm I guess this just proves that liquid-only fasts are definately the best way to reduce abdominal fat.
*sigh*
Regardless... I HAVE A NEW LOW WEIGHT!!!
Stats
Age: 19
Height: 5'6.5
HW: 154
LW: 112.5
CW: 112.5!
STG: 110
LTG: 107 or 105... not sure yet.
...Damn, I'm close!!!
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| blah |
[30 Sep 2004|06:39pm] |
Gyad I want pasta.
I'm at my LW this morning, 113.5
Oddly enough, I don't feel as thin as I did a few days ago at 114, before the binge that led to this, my "apricot fast" lol
That's right, I"m on day 2.
I had either 300 or 350 (I don't remember, whatever it was when I made the last update is correct, I never had that last serving) yesterday.
250 cals today.
Good deal.
I wonder what I"ll weigh tomorrow??
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| oh gyad |
[29 Sep 2004|06:45pm] |
You know what?
I'm fucking HUNGRY.
It's almost 7pm on Wednesday night, and I. am. starving.
No no... literally.
I just ate as much just now as I had all day... luckily for me, that means 3 servings of apricots. 150 calories. So that brings my grand total to 400 calories (7 servings of apricots today, plus 50 calories of cranberry juice this morning).
I am allowed to have either one more serving of apricots or else a popcicle later tonight, but no food after 8.
God dammit.
I fucking want to go to Pizza with a Professor toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I want pizza dammit!!!
I just chewed and spit, how lame is that?
For the non-ED in the audience, that's when you chew something up to taste it but then spit it out.
Wasteful? Definately. That's why I don't make anything akin to a habit of it.
But.... all I had was one tiny bite of the bread pudding Megan made... damn her, making tasty shit on the first day of my apricot fast! Gah. It will be gone by Friday.
It's better that way.
But anyway yeah it was like an inch out of this whole massive pan, so I don't feel bad.
But still.
I'm fucking hungry.
I fucking want pizza.
Oh god.
This had better be worth it on the scale tomorrow.
But this is it, you know?
I'm fucking serious this time. I will make it a full day on this fast, or my body will be paying the price for a LONG ass time.
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| Final PS |
[28 Sep 2004|11:38pm] |
SoI guess I finally figured out why none of my bras fit anymore... I just measured myself and did this lame calculator thingy, and it turns out I'm not a 34B like I've been wearing, but rather a 32B.
Hm.
Hey, at least I didn't lose cuppage?
But damn... sucks to have an impossibe-to-find size, eh?
Whatever.
When I get paid, I'm going to seriously consider buying $200 breast pills-- 6 months for that price! That's $50/month, so do-able.
We'll see.
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| Also |
[28 Sep 2004|11:11pm] |
Apparently, with a current BMI of 18-- according to one site... according to a more reliable one it's currently 18.4 >.< -- I am at the same amount of risk problems from being "underweight" as I would be if I weighed about 200 pounds.
Then again, I don't trust this site because they said that, back at 154, I had a BMI of 25, and they labled that "desirable."
Right.
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| Conflicting Turn Signals, We're Dead... |
[28 Sep 2004|10:28pm] |
You know, I feel kind of like I tricked everyone, or at least deceived them.
Like... I let everyone think I was better.
I let myself think I was better.
*sigh*
It felt really bad, hearing James say he's "not mad, just disappointed" that I was on another fast.
Like... I just let everyone believe things were better.
I guess I thought they were.
I guess I still hope they are?
I ate so fucking much today, and I mean that in real world terms.
Got a Jamba Lite today, about 250 cals, because my stomach was rumbling too loud to sit through a test.
At about a billion calories in candy at work... I swear, they must be actively *trying* to make me fat, because they bought new stuff, not just tootsie rolls which are FF, but now there's like CANDY BARS and shit... wtf...
Then I had dinner with James, I got soup and salad instead of soup and a sandwich, but STILL.
And then I came home and ate a bajillion servings of ICECREAM... wtf, Lauren, icecream??
It's so terrible.
>.<
Today was a juicefast day, wtf!!!!!
Well, it's okay.
Apricots and water until Friday, I mean it.
Well, unless something better comes up, I suppose.
Apricots and water and everything will be okay....
My god, I'm going to weigh a million pounds in the morning, I could cry just thinking of it.
(I miss my ribs!)
I'll be the end of everyone who's ever entered your life
and taken pieces out of it...
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| hm |
[28 Sep 2004|07:54am] |
114 still this morning.
Feels good. I'm looking rather small, I dig it.
Still, I don't trust staying the same weight... aren't you always either shrinking or growing?
I want to be shrinking.
Whatever, it was the spoonful of icecream I had at like almost midnight lol
I swear, the reason I have to fast is that I have NO willpower otherwise... wtf, icecream at midnight??
Dammit, roomies, it was so much safer before you opened that carton.
>.<
I guess I'm juicefasting again today, and bringing a few apricots just in case my stomach freaks out in the middle of a test or something.
::shrug::
So... I looked in the mirror last night and got legitimately upset, because.... seriously, my entire chest is gone.
Gyad, it was small to start, but uh.... nothing there!!
Seriously.
I was upset.
Thought about stoping.
The thing is, the sure way I have of dealing with my body when it doens't do what it should is, you guessed it, fasting.
I figure, if I can get small enough, I"ll finally be proportional again.
*sigh*
Totally getting that Bloussant shit lol
Today is a good day.
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| blah |
[27 Sep 2004|11:22pm] |
Another day of "modified juice fasting," meaning that I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep going on it or not, so I just did juice all day and then had two-- TWO!-- slices of pizza at James's dorm, during Monday Night Football, and just now I had a piece of Megan's bread (still not good) and 3 dried apricots (50 cals for those).
SO I'm way over my calorie limit and such, but at the very least I hope to have not *gained* weight tomorrow... if I'd stuck on the juice fast I'd be quite thin by now, but I can already see that I've filled out a good bit from this morning, and I know it's the pizza.
>.<
Still, I"m trying to tell myself it's the coffee I had this afternoon with Zach... coffee makes you retain fluids, so maybe that's it?
Sure.
Weigh-in tomorrow morning.
Still not sure what tomorrow's meal plan will be... probably juice fast until evening, then something small to eat. Smoothie would be nice, since I have two tests and can't afford rumbly-stomach-of-death, yeah, but 1. no time 2. no money and 3. no calorie allowance.
::shrug::
We'll see.
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| I've gotta be super quick... |
[27 Sep 2004|06:45am] |
Cuz I have to get ready for work in a second here, but uhh when I got up and looked in the mirror this morning, I knew that just one day of juice fasting-- even with a bajillion carbs last night-- was just about all I needed.
I mean... I looked almost tiny!! ::excitement::
Honestly. I was standing on the scale, and I could see my ribs. Just standing there, not sucking in or anything!!
And last night I put my hand on my hip as I was trying to fall asleep and was like-- WHOA! Is that mine? My bone???
Yeah.
Sooo today... I'm thinkin, juice fast during the day, and then some protein in the evening to, like, replenish. Possibly I might allow myself to add a smoothie either today or tomorrow, because 1. they were GOOD and 2. it's juice right? and 3. extra energy (sounds better than "extra calories"), but still in a semi-healthy format.
Hm.
Gotta go.
Feelin' pretty okay.
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| I have the munchies, but I"m not at all high |
[27 Sep 2004|12:21am] |
...Except on love?
Whatever, Lauren, don't be lame.
Anyway.
Randomly broke my fast as James was leaving, at 10:30. Had a slice of bread that Megan had baked, I'd been craving it alllllll day while she made it.
Not as great tasting as it smelled, but whatever.
I don't know why I broke it, I wasn't actually hungry at all.
I guess just talking to James about it made me feel stupid for being "half on, half off" the "horse."
Cuz like he said... that's when you're hanging underneath the horse and getting hit in the head with all the rocks and shit.
>.<
Yeah.
Well, then I got home and ate 3 more pieces, I lose!!!
We'll see what happens tomorrow.
28.5 hours.
Not bad for my first fast in four months, my first fast since May.
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| New Plan |
[26 Sep 2004|12:32pm] |
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New Plan:
I'm on a 3-day juice fast starting, um, today I guess. I'm going to follow this with a 3-5 day apricot fast, mainly because my mom just gave me a bigass bag of dried apricots, the BEST THINGS EVER, and after all... no one ever got fat from eating fruit. Although, dried fruit is super-sugary, and thus not good for blood sugar/ belly fat/ etc. But oh well, days when I have eaten hundreds of calories above my allowance, in apricots alone (easier than you would think-- 6 apricots = 100 calories), I have LOST weight, because it's hella fiber and hella GOOD for you!
So anyway, by the time I had finished sulking about various things beyond my control and had finally pulled myself out of bed, it was noon... which made me realize I'd not eaten in 18 hours already, not since the James and I had Dilly's last night (mmmmyummy!!!!!!!)... sooooo I might as well go for 72 full hours, that's only 54 more (53.5 now), which is so totally do-able, yeah?
The one thing I do worry about is that my stomach will for SURE be rumbling in classes tomorrow, and I HAAAATE that, but what can you do, eh?
115 this morning, I'm back at my ASU Weight.
Half a pound more and I will finally be able to breathe more easily.
The other problem with going on this juice fast right now is that, uhm, I don't exactly have a lot of juice in the house, just 3 12-ounce bottles of cranberry juice, which I've just now realized is only 27% cranberry juice... but whatever. So one of those per day of the fast. 3 ounces (mixed with water, obviously), 4 times per day.
Uhm... today I will do one now (noon) and one at 3 and one at 6:30 and one at 10.
Tomorrow I will do one when I get up at 6:15, one before English at 11:30, one between getting home and heading to tutoring, 3:30 or 4ish, and one around 7:30 or 8.
Tuesday I will do one before I leave for school, 8:30ish, one during Econ, 12ish, one when I get home from tutoring, 7ish, and one around 11. I wish I could do a better interval than noon to 7pm, but I can't bring like twenty waterbottles to school, and right from school I go to work and right from work I go tutor. Possibly I'll have time to grab one to bring with me to work, in which case I'll do it between work and tutoring, 6ish, and then one at 11.
Good deal.
Hmm... I have these all-fruit popcicles that have been sitting in my freezer forever... I'm gonna go check, if they are, in fact, all juice, I'll divide what's left by four and allow myself to have those at home so that I can have more juice to drink during the day. Then there's the pesky I-don't-want-to-bring-fivebillion-water-bottles-to-school problem... but whatev.
I'm gonna go finish my juice, start my homework, and then maybe go shopping. Alone, thankyouverymuch.
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| so |
[24 Sep 2004|02:24pm] |
Back at my "ASU Weight," well, kinda. 115.5 this morning.
All things depend upon tomorrow.
I will not be able to breath easily again until I am under 115, but tonight I'm going to my parents' house, which entails dinner and god knows what else.
We'll see.
It's all determined by tomorrow morning's weigh-in.
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| Hm |
[23 Sep 2004|11:02pm] |
Someone posted this tonight in one of my communities:
( Read more... )
It really makes you think, you know? Like, 94 pounds at 5'5 is not that small, it's not terrible (God knows I'm one to talk, Miss I-Can't-Seem-To-Re-Break-115)... but.... she died?
Hell.
I'm almost 20 (altho you did NOT just hear me admit that, no.).
Hm.
::weirded out::
Moving on, I have got to stop this.
I made it all day long on 125 calories, and then I got home from work and had my healthy dinner I had planned, and BLEW IT on ICECREAM... how ridiculous is that?!?!?!?! So now I'm at like a BAJILLION calories, because it was my roomie's icecream, not my FF Frozen Yogurt, so GOD that is so much FAT!
>.<
*sigh*
I know I"m still below 1000 for the day, but jeebus.
I have no will power.
That's why I can't break 115.5
Altho... I will say, I was looking thinner this evening, before I ate my sandwich for dindin.
Could be a good sign.
Maybe it's just the pre-menstrual weight deciding to... linger? Sure. Let's say that for now.
I have until Saturday to be less than 115 again, or else extreme measures ensue.
Let's just say all these fasts I keep fantasizing (yes, fantasizing, it would be freakin LOVELY, okay??) about starting will no longer remain in the realm of fantasy.
Yeah.
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